Tag Archive: Change

A Is For Acceptance

Hello all, been a while I know, but let’s just say that life has been a little unforgiving of late.  It’s been a rough last half of 2011, but there’s light ahead.

Call me a harbinger of heavy burdens and old accusations.  It’s one of those “can’t have one without the other deals.”  I have cried more this year than I think I ever have in my whole life (NOT exagerating), but I have also laughed more in the last few months than I think is even healthy for me, which is saying a lot!

I can’t honestly say what the new year is going to bring because everytime I think I have figured something out or feel I have a good hold on where my life should be heading, it starts doing backflips in the other direction.  So, there I go again, trying to make sense of “my life” when my first rule about life is standing there sayin’ “see, I told ya so!”

My first rule about life, by the way, is that all I know in life is that I know absolutely nothing for certain.  Unfortunately, that’s like constantly starting off at square one, but if I would listen to myself more often, I would be going through life with a lot fewer surprises.

I’m tired.  I’m sick of Vermont winters, social order, being poor, fulfilling “have-to’s” instead of “want-to’s”, and I’m sick of standing in one place.  All my life I’ve made a habit out of working myself to death, just getting to that next phase of my life, trying to find something that makes me happy enough right where I am.  Life certainly did not get easier after college, and though I did not kid myself into thinking that it would be, I did envision a more rewarding path.  Maybe I’ve found it, some days I think I have, other days, not so much and I find myself doing what I never said I would – wishing I was back in college.  It’s a dangerous edge for me, because I hate having regrets and I don’t want to lament about finishing up college as fast as I could. But as always, you invision for yourself a more hopeful and freeing path in life, one where no one gets hurt along the way and you can be free to make decisions without as many consequences.  But this is life, and we don’t get that luxury, we just think that once we get “somewhere else” it will change, get better, have that greener pasture we always dream about.  C’est la vie 🙂 

In September of this past year, I started my first full time “real world” job, which has had both its ups and downs along the bumpy road, but I work with some truly amazing people, have gained a lot of good experience in the business world, and feel that I have grown leaps and bounds in the last few months.  Not just because of my job, but that certainly has been a large part of my growing up since I last wrote. 

I think that’s one thing that will constantly surpise me about myself and humanity in general: we never cease to stop growing and the fact that we can grow so much in such small spands of time, whether it be because we were forced to or out of our own shear will to change and become more than we are.  I can’t even begin to describe the stages of growth that I have mentally, spiritually, and physically gone through during the last few months, but I know that I have changed more in five months than I have in probably five years.  Going from a welcoming, albiet hectic pace of college and forgiving environments to a rise-n-shine at 6:30 every morning job that is so different from everything I have ever known or thought I knew.  It’s funny really…I always saw myself as having grown up really fast because of the life I have led, but obviously I hadn’t grown as much as thought.  Again I am forced to realize that I have a lot more growing up to do and that is one thing that will never stop.

So many things have changed for me this past year and as it always happens, it’s never the things we think will.  I feel even more lost than I did after my mother died and yet, I know that in shoving me out into the cold and unforgiving world of personal growth, life has also given me the chance to show what I can do on my own.  I simaltaniously hate it and hope to God that I don’t dissapoint myself in letting this opportunity get the best of me.  After all, “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.”

So this is me: let’s recap,

I am currently a Customer Service Representative at an art publishing company.

I am putting myself through Massage Therapy School at night and on weekends. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but this is one thing I have always wanted to do, so I guess that’s what I’m doing right now!

I am happily still pursuing scuba diving and loving every minute of it, with hopefully many more of these experiences to come.

I have made a lot of really great friends

AAAANNNNNNDDDD I am still Freaked out, Insecure, Narotic, and Emotional about….well, just about everything.  Yup, still kinda losing the battle with trying to change that aspect of myself, but as always, I’m workin’ on it. 

I feel like when you work really hard on this huge puzzle and you finally get it almost complete, and realize that the picture really isn’t all that pretty and you’re missing about 20 pieces.  Eh, that’s when we paint over the ugly bits and make our own puzzle, right? 

A is for Acceptance.

When the Good things in life are JUST out of reach...


     Life is about change.  Unfortunately, humans are creatures of habit, which inhibits change, causing us to put on the brakes of evolution when things don’t go according to our perfectly worked out plans.  Some deal better than others, and frankly, I’m not one of them.  Bumps in the road are all part of the journey of life, with no real destination (depending upon what you believe) and are supposedly what makes it all exciting and memorable.  Still, this pep talk never seems to work on myself and I can say with utter shamefulness and self loathing that I am no stranger to slamming my feet deep into the dirt and throwing a tantrum or emotional breakdown when the going gets rough.  Things have happened in my life to cause me to change my outlook on life, my head-in-the-sand solution to a challenge, but I daresay not enough.  I guess that’s all part of the grand adventure of life as well, isn’t it?  I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t wish for an improvement on my confidence and ability to handle the tough stuff of life though, so I guess that makes me slightly more normal…..however, most would probably disagree.

     Yes, this philosophical rant does actually have a destination.  These last few months (well, actually this year so far) have seen many changes in my family and life.  New friends, the loss of old ones, new loves, moments of elation and tragedy, triumph and success, epic failure and the like.  How else should a miller family start of the year?  The dynamics of my family are changing, but mostly for the good.  My grandmother passed away on Mother’s Day, but both myself and my sister have been fated with new arrivals in our lives.  It’s frightening, like walking along a street with your head down, focusing on your own direction, when suddenly your blindsided and forced to stop and pick your head up.  Your little bubble of solitude is not broken, but it must stretch and grow to accommodate something entirely foreign and exciting into your life.  That direction is changed, attempting to walk alongside someone else, while experiencing this new sensation of unity and change. 

     Again, there’s me, and then there’s change.  What’s even more difficult is the expansion of that life-sized bubble, and then having to hold all that extra space alone when circumstances force you apart.  There’s nothing like patriotism and the sacrifice of one’s individuality and loved ones to force yourself into adapting.  This is not to say that I don’t support our troops or that I am angry, not at all, but just that it is one of the most frightening adventures to embark upon for both the individual and those around him.  Basic and special training is almost finished, a time will come shortly where the bubble will not be so lonely, and then a new chapter of separation will begin, even more scary, but just another page in that book of life. What’s more is that somewhere along the way of completing my last semester of college (yes, graduating from college was one of those changes as well….hopefully I will be able to put some pictures of that up soon!), a trip of a lifetime began to develop with a few friends.  Alaska was mentioned, Denali National Park sprinkled in for effect, and for the last four months a plan has been evolving and growing.  Though it may look awfully different from when it was first conceived, Alaska is now my destination for the summer of 2011.    

     Tomorrow I get on a plane and arrive 12 hours later in Anchorage, Alaska.  From there, I’ll take a bus to Healy, outside Denali National Park, where I will be working for the summer as a sales clerk at the only Grocery store outside one of the most beautiful natural landscapes of these United States.  I will be working there until the start of September, spending my first summer away from family and Vermont.  I am scared beyond imagining (although I have spent the last four months that weren’t occupied with surviving my last semester of college with all the scary things my imagination could come up with for this new adventure).  I am also scared sh**less, already missing my friends and family, and feeling like an imposter for not being quite the outdoorsy type of person that everyone else will be in Alaska.  However, I am also excited, itching for a spectacular one-in-a-lifetime adventure that will last for the rest of my time on earth.    

     I don’t think my life has seen so much change all at once….I know it’s mostly good and it will be a year to remember, one I will look back on for the rest of my life and think of all the emotions and changes that took place.   

     After all, that is the point of this blog, or, at least, originally it was – to add a dash of perspective into that recipe of life.  I am a terrible cook – ask anyone that knows me.  My recipe of life looks like one hell of a messy stewpot that is overcooked, sometimes dried out, perhaps a bit salty, and always getting burned.  However, even some of my worst dishes can be salvaged and made into something else, molded into whatever taste suits the occasion or emphasizes the moment.  I make a mean breakfast, and after all, that is the most important meal of the day, right?  So, maybe things get a little messy and I make a lot of mistakes and epic fails, but wouldn’t my recipe be a bit too boring and dry if I didn’t add something new to the mix? 

     I’m going to miss everyone so much this summer, but please keep in touch and I will try to do the same.  I will have a cell phone, internet access, and a computer with me, updating FaceBook, this blog, and keeping in touch with family and friends as much as possible (I know homesickness is going to be my biggest hurdle for the next few months).  I will be uploading pictures as much as I can, as I know every portion of Alaska is going to be amazingly beautiful.  I am hoping for whale and iceberg sightseeing tours, hikes and bus rides into Denali, and a helicopter or plane tour will all be in my pretty near future, along with many other incredible adventures and experiences. 

      For now, I’m struggling to say goodbye to this home and place for a while and not freak out too much about those large bumps in the road.  I hope that everyone else’s recipe for the upcoming summer is just as full of messes and new ingredients. 

As always, no matter where I am or end up,

From Vermont with Love.