Hello all, been a while I know, but let’s just say that life has been a little unforgiving of late.  It’s been a rough last half of 2011, but there’s light ahead.

Call me a harbinger of heavy burdens and old accusations.  It’s one of those “can’t have one without the other deals.”  I have cried more this year than I think I ever have in my whole life (NOT exagerating), but I have also laughed more in the last few months than I think is even healthy for me, which is saying a lot!

I can’t honestly say what the new year is going to bring because everytime I think I have figured something out or feel I have a good hold on where my life should be heading, it starts doing backflips in the other direction.  So, there I go again, trying to make sense of “my life” when my first rule about life is standing there sayin’ “see, I told ya so!”

My first rule about life, by the way, is that all I know in life is that I know absolutely nothing for certain.  Unfortunately, that’s like constantly starting off at square one, but if I would listen to myself more often, I would be going through life with a lot fewer surprises.

I’m tired.  I’m sick of Vermont winters, social order, being poor, fulfilling “have-to’s” instead of “want-to’s”, and I’m sick of standing in one place.  All my life I’ve made a habit out of working myself to death, just getting to that next phase of my life, trying to find something that makes me happy enough right where I am.  Life certainly did not get easier after college, and though I did not kid myself into thinking that it would be, I did envision a more rewarding path.  Maybe I’ve found it, some days I think I have, other days, not so much and I find myself doing what I never said I would – wishing I was back in college.  It’s a dangerous edge for me, because I hate having regrets and I don’t want to lament about finishing up college as fast as I could. But as always, you invision for yourself a more hopeful and freeing path in life, one where no one gets hurt along the way and you can be free to make decisions without as many consequences.  But this is life, and we don’t get that luxury, we just think that once we get “somewhere else” it will change, get better, have that greener pasture we always dream about.  C’est la vie 🙂 

In September of this past year, I started my first full time “real world” job, which has had both its ups and downs along the bumpy road, but I work with some truly amazing people, have gained a lot of good experience in the business world, and feel that I have grown leaps and bounds in the last few months.  Not just because of my job, but that certainly has been a large part of my growing up since I last wrote. 

I think that’s one thing that will constantly surpise me about myself and humanity in general: we never cease to stop growing and the fact that we can grow so much in such small spands of time, whether it be because we were forced to or out of our own shear will to change and become more than we are.  I can’t even begin to describe the stages of growth that I have mentally, spiritually, and physically gone through during the last few months, but I know that I have changed more in five months than I have in probably five years.  Going from a welcoming, albiet hectic pace of college and forgiving environments to a rise-n-shine at 6:30 every morning job that is so different from everything I have ever known or thought I knew.  It’s funny really…I always saw myself as having grown up really fast because of the life I have led, but obviously I hadn’t grown as much as thought.  Again I am forced to realize that I have a lot more growing up to do and that is one thing that will never stop.

So many things have changed for me this past year and as it always happens, it’s never the things we think will.  I feel even more lost than I did after my mother died and yet, I know that in shoving me out into the cold and unforgiving world of personal growth, life has also given me the chance to show what I can do on my own.  I simaltaniously hate it and hope to God that I don’t dissapoint myself in letting this opportunity get the best of me.  After all, “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.”

So this is me: let’s recap,

I am currently a Customer Service Representative at an art publishing company.

I am putting myself through Massage Therapy School at night and on weekends. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but this is one thing I have always wanted to do, so I guess that’s what I’m doing right now!

I am happily still pursuing scuba diving and loving every minute of it, with hopefully many more of these experiences to come.

I have made a lot of really great friends

AAAANNNNNNDDDD I am still Freaked out, Insecure, Narotic, and Emotional about….well, just about everything.  Yup, still kinda losing the battle with trying to change that aspect of myself, but as always, I’m workin’ on it. 

I feel like when you work really hard on this huge puzzle and you finally get it almost complete, and realize that the picture really isn’t all that pretty and you’re missing about 20 pieces.  Eh, that’s when we paint over the ugly bits and make our own puzzle, right? 

A is for Acceptance.

When the Good things in life are JUST out of reach...