So, it’s Wednesday now, and frankly I haven’t written sooner because I wasn’t sure I could.  I’m not really sure what to say or how to say it because I’m still swinging between such conflicting emotions.  I’ll recount all the I guess highlights of the past few days, more for myself I guess than anything else, but I’ll preface it all with this warning: I’m seriously considering a trip home.  I spent about two hours last night crying and searching flight tickets, in between trying to convince myself that I can handle this, it’s all a learning experience, and that there really is still more to Alaska than I am seeing.  I’ve decided on one thing though – I hate my job.  I know, who doesn’t right?  But this isn’t some backwoods survival after college deal in which I need the job and can’t afford to quit.  Unfortunately, I don’t really know how I feel about finding another job.  Plus, I would have to find a new place to live as well, which is incredibly hard around here.  I am so split with myself right now – Stina, you’ve only been here two weeks, you haven’t  seen a tenth of what there is to see in Alaska, you hate quitting anything and will probably regret nto sticking it out.  On the other hand, you hate your job, you are exhausted and sick of being here when you don’t really need to be, it would be so easy to book a flight home within the next two weeks, maybe see some of the country first or go spend some time at the beach with your nana.  I haven’t a clue what to do and I am rithing on the inside with indecision.  I guess the plan for now is to try and survive the rest of the week, enjoy as much of the time as my boyfriend and I can this coming weekend, and then make a decision on whether I am going to stick things out for a while longer or whether I am going to throw in the towel and start heading for home. 

Monday my bike tire did come and after  work I managed to put it on without too much difficulty…..which worries me because….well, it’s me.  So far, it’s riding okay, except I think the tire got a little warped being folded into a box for a week so I’m not sure how good that’s going to be. I went next store to the 49th State Brewery CO. for the first time and had dinner.  THe place was a lot smaller on the inside and yet again, dissapointing.  I mean, the food was awesome and the people were really nice, but I can’t say I’m really missing much by not getting there more often for their over 21 things.  Still, it would be so much easier to fit in and enjoy Alaska if I could drink and attend these things.   The coworker I normally can’t stand was actually pleasant and friendly, chatting with me and not reprimanding me for everything (believe me, she still just about knocked me out of the way for everything and I certainly got shot down a few times, but not as often).  Tuesday, I survived somehow as well.  I took the bus into the canyon, crossed the street, and followed the trails into Denali National Park for the first time.  It is gorgeous!  The foot pathes are really nice and from what little I saw it was pretty cool.  I huffed it though, because I wanted to make it to the Wilderness Access Center before they closed.  I wanted to book bus tickets for Saturday all day into the park and had been trying all weekend but couldn’t seem to get  a hold of anyone or my credit card wouldn’t work online.  Unfortunately, they said they couldn’t book seating that far in advanced….I pleaded my case and one of the guys took pity on me.  It was fun and I really appreciated it – he definitly wasn’t supposed to do that, so he kept having to whisper and pretend it was for tomorrow, winking the whole time 🙂

After that, I took my time finding my way out, but didn’t explore as much as I would have liked because it was eight and looked like it might rain.  I headed back to the canyon and did what I seem to do best lately – I shopped.  Seriously, it’s the only thing I have enjoyed doing since I got here.  I bought a fleece jacket wicked cheap, some cheap t shirts, another stuffed moose because this one was even cuter, and more icecream because it is amazingly good.  I caught another shuttle and headed back to my workplace to pick up my bike.  Big mistake.  I found out while I was there that I would be reprimanded the next day by my boss for not cleaning the bathrooms well enough and for skipping my lunch break so I could clock out half an hour early and make it to the wilderness center before it closed.  I was also told that the big boss had seen me and another girl talking instead working (right at that particular moment) the other day and relayed to our manager that obviously we didn’t have enough to do because we were being lazy staff. 

So, I came home, cried for about two hours, tried to find plane tickets home and finally cried myself to sleep.  Wednesday was obviously a blast then.  I did get reprimanded for those exact things, as well as being yelled at for not being able to pack up about twenty boxes of stuff in time for the next shuttle bus (which was about ten minutes).  Also, we are now told that if we can’t account for any of our house account receipts at the end of our shfit, we may be liable for paying what’s owed out of our paychecks, which means hundreds of dollars because they are mostly gasoline receipts.  Yeah, that’s illegal, but “it’s just a precaution” to make sure we don’t lose any of them.  Everytime the bosses higher up crack down on our manager, the whip is cracked and the job tally towers a bit higher.  I’ve figured out why this job sucks so much more than others and why we are being paid so little to do soooooo much: they’re struggling to get this store on its own two feet and can’t seem to get it to a point where its not constantly breaking down or being solely held afloat by non stop maintenance.  Maybe in a few years, this might be a good place to work, but now is not the time.

So, I had plans to ride my bike into the park and check out the visitor center, but that closes at six, which means I never would have been able to make it, even if I went directly from work.  I’m exhausted from wantting to cry constantly and struggling to just make it through the day.  I don’t want to be this depressed or worn out for this weekend and I am going to try really hard not to.   I just don’t know what’s going to happen come Monday.  I feel like I am going to dissapoint so many people and myself most of all if I tuck my tail between my legs and run away from this Alaskan summer, but right now I can’t stop thinking about how badly I want to get away from here.  *sigh* I could really use some chocolate right now. 

Boy, this blog sure did turn into a depressing mantra of “Stina’s rants,” didn’t it?  I apologize for the long winded downside of Stina’ life.  It’s just that I am so used to having people at home who I can turn to at a moments notice to recount my day to or complain about work to.  Those people are still there, but it’s not the same.  I knew it wouldn’t be, but I also didn’t think I would be having this much trouble going it alone this summer.  Guess I’m not as skilled a pessmist as I thought.  This blog is the closest thing sometimes to connecting with home and just being able to explain all the positives and negatives of my day, right down to the pebbles that I trip over along the road.  Thanks for listening all, I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate it.  You are all like my open-earred sounding board, ready to lend a digital shoulder to my very realistic head.  Cheers, and please don’t stop listening.

Advertisements